what goes through my head

July 26, 2007

I’d say being a super white USA girl (and Christian) in a smaller town in an Eastern Europe/mid east country recovering from soviet oppression makes me a minority.  Except for the PCV’s, I haven’t seen any other Americans, Europeans, or Asians.  No joke, not even in the nearest town.  I stand out.  By the way I walk, dress, do (or not do) my hair; everything.  Crossing the road and making myself a target for the banshee taxi driver is nothing compared to just being who I am walking through the town.  There are rules; I cannot hurl insults back at the men squatting and smoking cigs when they yell nice *sarcasm* things like, ‘ooooh, so pretty, I want you, what are you doing here? Stupid American, go back to your own country, sexy, merry me, kiss me etc.’ I cannot make eye contact with any man on the street; doing so would mean one or both of two things: 1. ‘I’m a whore and want a trick’ 2. ‘I want you, bad, please follow me home and ask if we can be married, I’m desperate.’   As mentioned, I stand out, each morning when I walk to school I must deal with the above mentioned issues.  Something like the following goes through my head:  (Apologies to any PC staff  or otherwise who are reading this and find it awful, at least I’m bluntly honest)  ‘Ok, sexy glasses in place, iPod  on, ignore 5 men gathered at park table gesturing at me, they cannot be looking at my backside these pants make me look fat, maybe they like that here, pisser, I cant win, look at ground while passing man on right, he is ALWAYS there, wonder if he’s holding up the wall? What!? Kissing noises? Please let those be for the mangy cur trotting 10 feet a head of me, that driver is NOT coming towards me, stupid f—er, hanging your head out the window while honking your horn and yelling does not make me want to marry you, besides, apparently my ovaries are frozen anyway, tough luck, bloody hell, don’t they have anything better to do than watch me waddle my way to school, I’ll play ‘dodge the filthy syringe’ to give me something to look at on the ground, I wonder, if I flip off a guy in J—-, does it count if the PC doesn’t see me? Don’t trip, don’t trip on the trash, don’t body slam the random trees, man at 1 o’clock, maybe I can give him a death stare through my glasses, I will not yell back, will not yell back, for crying out don’t laugh at the man tripping as he looks at you, its not funny, not funny, dammit its farken hilarious you silly man, learn how to walk, yeah, I love Atmosphere, homework, huh, homework, conjugated verbs, what the hell am I’m doing here, nutz, I forgot my toilet paper, how will I not fall asleep today?’ 

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2 Responses to “what goes through my head”

  1. Brian said

    “Another manic Monday night, it’s gonna be a long walk…”

    I love Atmosphere too. Your post made me think of one song in particular. Well, two songs, actually.

    Hanging my head out the window and honking hasn’t made any girls want to marry me over here in the States, either. Maybe someday…

    Stay strong.

  2. s/// said

    Whenever im walking the streets i count the number of parked cars with manual transmissions vs auto transmissions, good in a country like Aust where there are an equal amount. Problem is ppl think im casing to break into the cars.

    I dunno if that’d work in AZ (i keep thinking Arizona btw…) cos there might not be parked cars n beyond that theyd prolly all be manuals… plus its the kinda thing id do to avoid fuckwits, maybe not you.

    Keep yer chin up doll. It sucks that the sexes are set up the way they are over there, but your over there to help and thru your response to these primates you might even teach them a bit of respect for your fairer kind.

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