deep thoughts (?)

March 11, 2008

Living in general is enough fodder to fill a million books, blogs, letters, movies, sketchbooks, journals, and photographs. In fact, I think the struggle for me at least is deciding what parts of life I want to express, because, when expressed, (in any form) the experiences, or whatever, become more a part of memories and history and me. There are certain things, when they happen, that you’d rather forget and things that, when they are done and over, you feebly try and remember exactly as they occurred so that you can know and believe that life is purposeful and wonderful.

And that brings the present in front of me now. I don’t know what to write. I don’t know how to express what I think and what is occurring NOW in AZ and in me and the people I interact with. Maybe it’s not necessary to accurately capture the present; hindsight is 20/20 so I think that at some point in time when I’m at rest, I will understand more accurately what is occurring now?

Do I want to look back (which, no matter how hard I try not to, I will, and probably quiet frequently) and see that I wrote about horney chickens and puking in taxies? (the details of that story may or may not make their way to these public pages) Maybe I do. Maybe it’s all I can write about, maybe it’s hard to share with anyone what I truly think, so I write about the silly and over-the-top and strange and funny and odd because that’s all I can process now.

Weakness? Laziness? I don’t know. I just had the awful shock of realizing that I had been here for 9 months and don’t have single expressed piece (art, letter, photograph) that reflects any sort of personal reflection/processing/growth. I know things have changed (its life after all; change is one amazing fact of life) but I have an annoying desire for bench marks and tangible evidence of change.

So then I write things such as this, which is a tangled page of thoughts and paragraphs that may or may not have any logical connection to each other.

After all that, all I can think of to write is:

I had a truly beautiful walk through falling snow (that is a cliché somewhere, but when I went out for a walk at night in an AZ snow fall, I wasn’t expecting it to be truly beautiful, so that wipes the cliché away) and found a snowman, (built across from the police station) with a stick placed in the correct place so as to leave no doubt as to the snowman’s gender or current level of desire.
Somehow, I suppose that sums up my life here, a mixture of the beautiful and dirty, the profound and profane. Yea(?) Or if one wanted or tried they could look deeper and extract a meaning about the world and life and humans and how flawed everything is….maybe? I doubt the snow would have seemed as lovely or the woody snowman as funny if they each had not had the other to contrast themselves.

One of the most beautiful nights I have ever been in and a snowman with wood.

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5 Responses to “deep thoughts (?)”

  1. Brian said

    I think you hit the nail right on the head in the first paragraph. It is our memories that define us, and it is our expressions which help others to form their own opinions (which in most cases, don’t matter in the least).

    I think the changes you are looking for in yourself won’t be obvious to you until later. But obvious or not, they leave their mark on the things you do and feel. You have the rest of your life to express what’s in your heart, don’t worry if it doesn’t happen every day.

    That said, every time I see chickens doing it and snowmen with wood, I’ll think of you 😛

  2. Rachel said

    I can’t help but think that it’s the binaries (beautiful and disgusting, love and apathy, good and evil) that exist, not only to make life interesting and keep it so, but to remind us of the complicated nature of humanity and individuality. Can any of us escape such binaries? Or exist without them? Don’t we need the hideous to exist in this world in order to appreciate the lovely? Fascinating how such “black and whites” reveal gray matter all around (and in) us.

    By the way, I love reading your thoughts.

  3. mcmacdonald said

    Rachel, i appreciate your insight
    it reminds me how much i miss having conversations with you over coffee.

    Fascinating how such “black and whites” reveal gray matter all around (and in) us. <—- yes, and its taken me a bit of time to realize that…and it has forced me to make decisions about what i believe in.

  4. siologen said

    You will have changed. You couldnt have dealyt n coped so wonderfully well with such a culture shock without changing. You may likely find yourself misplaced once back in the US. I found myself misplaced once back in Oz, n that was after only 2.5 years of travel in other 1st world countries. Humour is the best way to digest whats occurring around you, and in many ways you do convey your feelings and your energy through it. You dont need to go all hard n heavy emotionally. Ppl can pick up the inspiration of your situation through the way it inspires you to relate it with such care, dedication and humorous insight.

  5. mcmacdonald said

    thanks for bring up the reverse culture shock point 🙂 sheesh, visiting the U.S. seems a loooooooong way off…

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