March 12, 2009

It may seem from the previous posts that my neighbors and I are perhaps not on the best terms.  I would like in the interest of fairness to point out that on occasions, such as the following, they have shown remarkable kindness and asskickery that I, with all my cultural/social/language failings and sarcasm hardly deserve or expect.


Right before it snowed, there was a particularly infuriating group of dudes who spent most of their time (and still do) holding up the wall on the street corner of my block. Each morning as I walked out my door, the usually routine was: pull hat down low as possible (without obstructing ability to navigate,) Atmosphere on LOUD, hunch shoulders and try (for the love of God) not to flip the middle finger as they made crude gestures/kissing noises at me as I passed.  Not sure how long I made it with out flipping them off, but, suffice to say, my temper clearly needs some control.  And so it went for several weeks, they made kissing noises, and I almost face planted a tree and stepped on a small child because my hat was pulled too low.  Then one night I came home, it was dark (not late) and there the dudes where, huddled around my stairwell, laughing like prepubescent school girls at their first dance, smoking, and blocking the entrance.  They played chicken, moving aside at the last minute with sneers, and blowing smoke in my face as I passed.  To say that I was pissed would be an understatement; the run of stellar cussing in both Azeri/English that I unleashed was only thrown at my back in a mocking high pitched tone.  I could hear them yelling the whole 3 flights to my landing; opening the flat door, I had gone from pissed to infuriated and scared.  Fear is one emotion I don’t experience very often, and certainly not fear induced by faux leather skintight pant, pointy shoe, Steven Seagal for Men wearing uneducated scum with bad hair and wonky faces, who, given every other circumstance are more laughter inducing in their patheticness than intimidating.  Eventually I calmed down,(double checking my locked door) and spent a solid 15 min wondering how the dudes got their voices so unimaginably high; my conclusion was that they must kick each other in the lower frontal regions to break up the monotony of a day spent holding up a wall with their back side.


The next day, I returned home with my Azeri friend L. The dudes saw us approaching and ducked into the stairwell; the whole smoke blowing/kissing/giggling/rude noise act was repeated; however this time, when we reached the landing L and I went directly to my neighbor Xanim.  L explained the problem, with me giving a condensed representation of the noises made, and asked if Xanim would be so kind as to tell the dudes to stop.  The three of us marched down the stairs, and walking out into the yard, I pointed out the dudes, who had resumed their standard wall holding up position. The following was directly translated by L: (and while Xanim did ‘stretch’ the truth a bit, (ok, a lot), she does honestly understand what Peace Corps is and why I’m here.)


Xamin: (Yelling at the dudes) Get over here CHILDREN, NOW!! (hand gesture)


Group of 5 dudes shuffles over, and stands, looking at the ground.


Xanim: (With a look that would have made a brain hungry Zombie assume the fetal position in fear.) What are you doing? Why do you act so stupid? Who are you? She is an   American, a guest. Her government has sent her here, they watch out for her.


Dudes:  (collectively) Umm, uhhh, ahhh.  Hmmmm.


Xanim: (cutting off the mumbling) SHUTUP, you are stupid!  Do you know what happens if you mess with her?  Your life will be bad, you will shame your family. Did you hear what happened when someone else messed with an American girl? The police came, that person is gone, GONE!! (hand gesture)  It was very bad for them. (shakes head)  Do not talk not to her, do not look at her, do not think about her!!!(shaking finger at dudes for emphasis)  I will know if you talk to her. (evil glare) Do you understand!? Leave her alone, she will report if you bother her.  That will be very bad!   Do not talk to her, do not look at her!!  Now, you will HAUL WATER!!!


We were standing near the yard pump, and Xanim made those dudes haul water for an HOUR even though, Xanim has a water tank and had already filled (via pump) the tank that day.


Xanim gave L and I a knowing smile as we climbed the stairs, ‘It is good, they will not bother you anymore’ she said with a laugh.


 Postscript: While I cannot testify to, and would rather not know anyway, as to the dudes thoughts, it is perfectly clear that Xanim made her point, dudes have not said a word, dropped a nasty gesture nor air kissed in my general direction since hauling water.  The little saplings and small children on my street are now safe, though, occasionally, I emerge from my hat/ipod just to make sure.


5 Responses to “XanimThrowsDown!!”

  1. Misterwrite said

    Good for Xanim! God bless her!

  2. Kate said

    PAH – that’s hilarious! Do you know what happens when you mess with an American girl? The police comes, you’re gone! hee hee. I’m gonna remember that quote and use it again when you’re safely back in MN.

    Glad the kids have laid off. Hope it lasts.

  3. mcmacdonald said

    ha ha, that was, umm, the part where she stretched the truth a bit. oh she called them children, but they are all in the 19-25 age range. 😀

  4. Brian said

    Males age 19-25 ARE children…

  5. mcmacdonald said

    they are, which is why i’ll take a xanim watching my back over a lame 20+ bf anyday. ha! ;p

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